Today is wednesday 13th of february.
In the last 20 days my life has changed. possibly radically. And this might become a follow-up on what happened.
A party, a sudden connection. A desperation and belief in a lack. That might be how it has started. I went to an non-violent communication workshop, led by Yoram Mosenzon, 19 days ago. The topic was “connecting in intimate relationships”. My first words in the workshop were that I could not believe, how connection in an intimate relationship could be possible between two individuals that live their individual lifes. Being intimate and connected, honest, authentic and changing at the same time. I knew it should be there and I had lost all belief it might be possible for me.
Two intense days, each one ending with a long walk home through the city of Amsterdam. Seeing genuine connections, seeing how people can be touched by simple words. Seeing how strong a person can be in his insecurity, in his authenticity – if it’s shared and declared.
Two long walks home in the evenings, with a deep, bright smile on my face. With my heart wide open and the feeling that everything around me was beautiful – simply because I could believe in the possibility of connection again. Not knowing how this might be possible for me; once again hoping that it could be. And with this – the awakening of a knowledge deep in me.
A monday morning at Knowmads. Sharing that my life may have changed, that everything has become different.
Having a breakdown in the afternoon, not being able to keep an appointment, hating the world and everybody around me. And in my hate, finding the connection with me. Realizing I was sick, tired, out of energy. Giving myself the time and rest it needed to go back home.
Spending a relaxing evening with my friends, celebrating our tribe leader Nikolaj, who left us to walk on on his crazy and beautiful path towards himself.
Having my half-year presentation coming towards me, I spent a day at home. Working on my Solving the Conflict and making a difference. Not working at all on my half-year presentation.
What would I talk about? Being lost, being distant, not understanding. How could I talk about this?
Remembering hope. People might understand me if I talked about what is so deep in me, fighting to have its space in my world.
I wrote pages and pages about how I was doing, what I was thinking, what I was struggling with. And more pages.
Realized I could not say all this, that half of it was not alive anymore the moment I wrote it.
Then my computer went black. All I wrote was gone. And I was relieved.
The way to go, was to find what touched something inside me. Find the pictures, songs and words that touch these never described ideas, dreams and desires. Play them, show them and see what happens with me.
On the last second, I invited both my parents to be present via Skype. Knowing it might be manageable to talk about my depth in front of my tribe members – but would it be possible if my parents were there as well?
My turn at the presentations came. I was last. I tried to tell people to make sure they were comfortable, to make sure they had all the space they needed and time enough to listen to me as long as I needed to – hearing myself being rather rough. Rough enough for Evert of my tribe to consider not staying, untill I told him I was so scared and nervous, I couldn’t care really. He stayed.
I talked. About what exactly, I can hardly recall. I know, my voice broke and the tears started flowing within the first 5 minutes. I let them flow, I let the voice break. I knew my friends around me, eager to see these tears, to see this deeper truth of myself coming up.
I remember talking about connection. Believing I couldn’t find a connection with people around me. Being scared of the intimacy, being scared of what people that come close to me might see. Telling that I have never let people (people, not animals) come so close to me as to see me. Not friends, not family, not lovers. I remember being proud of myself that nobody in this world knows me fully. And this is such a desperation of mine.
So, the improbable happened. Everybody stayed during my long, long talk. Listened to my fears, saw my tears. And many many came to me afterwards, saying they felt as alien as I said I did. That many people feel this way.
“I am also an alien. Maybe we are all aliens. Maybe that’s what connects us.” (Thank you, Filippa)
This step was taken. I shared myself and they heard me. They cared, they were there, they hugged me. And something in me awoke. Care, love, compassion. By receiving it in such a beautiful way, I could open towards it in me.
A slow weekend, enjoying, taking it easy. Taking it in, starting to believe it.
Tueday next week; Floris the great spends one day with us at Knowmads at a “tribal play day” – connecting tribe 6 & 7 in games. Many fun, many challenging, many interesting and opening up, connecting.
The day ended with a demonstration of the power of the fool. Training how to be a proper fool, real stupid, real ignorant. Not caring about anything but what’s fun, what wakes my interest. Allowing myself not to give a thing about what anyone wants from me, if it doesn’t touch me inside. And having lots of fun in the most simple way.
I had the privilege of being a fool :) for Loli, member of tribe7. She asked me a question about her personal path. In my fool-mind I hardly heard it but felt a big lack of fun and ease in it. So I spent 10 minutes having a lot of fun with a deep question that I didn’t get. And it might even have been slightly meaningful. Big experience – thank you Floris!
Yes, this is long.
Tsila. Wise soul.
Anger? Me? Where? oops. Yes, anger, me, yes, quite a lot. Anger at this world. All the people around me, everybody that looks at me, that approaches me, that says a word around me. Enough anger to drown in.
Letting out anger was what I did for the next days. Letting it out of its prison, letting it in myself. Being afraid of it, being afraid of hurting people, of not having them accept me if I was different than normal. And feeling how with every bit of anger I release, a big rush of energy comes back in my system. Confidence, strength, stability, even love. And much anger to come still.
I haven’t slept more than a few hours per night for weeks. Suspect it’s the room I’m staying in currently. And with the anger coming up in me, the Non-Violent Communication and the fool leading me towards what I want to do – I suddenly didn’t sleep anymore at all for a while.
After more than 48 hours awake non-stop, friday evening. Birthday party of Bas. Not many words to lose, but something is changing in my environment. And leaving the party, walking home for hours once again (bus system in Amsterdam is not very good in the night), anger coming up. Self-hate, deep deep self-hate. Two hours of hate and accepting it. And still more to come. But this night, I went to bed peacefully and slept long.
A calm weekend outside, stormy inside. Anger, hope, a glimpse of affection. Self-hate. Shamanic drumming session and learning to let go of all the old tensions. Sunday, sending a message of openness.
Monday. Anger. Annoyance, self-hate, confusion. Tired, overwhelmed, full of energy and not being able to grasp or control it. My dear friend Maria asking me if I wanted to go for a walk with her.
She sat me beside the canal at one of her secret places and sang for me. I started shivering, as I have never shivered before. Cried about my life and cried for long. Let out much pain and tensions, I believe. Truth is, I don’t have the slightest clue what I cried about really. And truth is, Maria sitting there, singing during all this, accepting my pain and grief – I am lacking words to describe the beauty of it.
I was nervous. How to act on a date? I have never been on a date like this. And she is cool. Takes us to a bar, hugs me and looks at me with this beautiful smile.
I have never experienced to be rejected in such a loving way. Loving and caring for the two of us. I have never been put in connection with myself so much.
What has it all changed? Yes, all.
I am me.
I tell myself, you deserve words. I don’t have words, but I have feelings to it. And it feels good.
Thank you for being around me these past 20 days.