Don’t go back to sleep

For years, copying other people, I tried to know myself.
From within, I couldn’t decide what to do.
Unable to see, I heard my name being called.
Then I walked outside.

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don’t go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
Don’t go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.
Don’t go back to sleep.

Mr. Rumi

A month or some more back, a friend challenged me with this:

 Comenzamos con un reto: experimentar la meditación a las 6:30 de la mañana durante diez días. ¿Te atreves?

Posted by Inspiratrices on Sunday, 3 May 2015

Begin every day with a meditation at 6:30 in the morning for 10 days. I took the challenge. (And almost followed it through)
I would get up at 6:30, prepare a tea and sit down on a pillow on my roofterrace. I had just read the above poem and it became my mantra. “Don’t go back to sleep” – after all, it’s not easy to stay awake at 6:30 in the morning when your eyes are closed.

And the longer I sat with it, the more “Don’t go back to sleep” became about remaining in this state of presence. Don’t go back to sleep, don’t go back to autopilot, don’t go back to ‘just happening’. Live.

Today I heard myself say it again. Don’t go back to sleep.
These last weeks, these two past two months maybe, I have been pushed out of my routine (which, honestly, is not very well developed anyways) by a number of situations and people that entered my life. The starting of the Knowmads Lab – the manifestation of a dream dreamt over almost 2 years -, the new collaboration with two shining and powerful people, Matteo & Ramona, a new love. Also a complete overload of work, travels and life.
Then the Knowmads Lab starts and for me as well as for the students, 3 weeks of intense personal exploration begins.

In the meantime, the world turns and life goes on. Deadlines for other projects want to be kept and emails answered. In the evening after an intense lab-day, I try to focus for ‘normal’ work. It doesn’t work.
I try to keep up two different states of being. One where I am in a deep contact with myself, my needs, my intuition. And a second that is about ‘doing the work anyways’, ignoring tiredness and intuition.
Don’t go back to sleep.

These last three days, I had the pleasure of going through the Radical Honesty experience facilitated by Modelminds. I come out of it more careful and caring for myself, more inquiring, more connected to myself and others, more aware of how I behave.
Today I went back to my life before the Lab. In the morning had breakfast with a group of entrepreneurs and creative people in Sevilla, talking about their projects and ideas. Laptop work, emails and skypes in the afternoon, project proposals and promotion. Trying to make meetings match with schedules and realizing I overplanned my day tomorrow and I have to hurry from one thing to the other.

Come home, deeply asleep. I feel lonely, distracted, irritated. Want to sit down and eat a lot, then fall asleep. That helps against feeling.
And a voice says, don’t go back to sleep.

Remain in the discomfort. Feel, observe, practice awareness. Practice acting without losing your conciousness. Talk about projects, ideas, write emails and make skypes, project proposals and promotion and overschedule – but don’t go back to sleep.
Remain in the discomfort, don’t go back to sleep. You have never done this, don’t look for the way out. Do the work, do it slowly, learn the steps. You have never done this. Don’t go back to sleep, don’t look for known paths. They are not where you want to go.

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