I am having a “landing”-moment. The past days, maybe weeks, maybe months, I was on a plane ride. Some people describes it as a roller coaster. Many ups and downs and gravity-less moments. Suddenly flying, suddenly pressed down to the ground, then on again.
Incredible lot of things I learned, many facts, stories. Much inspiration, so many ideas. I felt the whole world opening, I got the key for doing all these things. And I always wondered. Waited for the moment where I would actually take the step and get started. Start one of all these ideas.
I noticed that with all this inspiration and all these great ideas, I sometimes, often, was unable to really connect to the outside world. When I talked to people these past weeks, I didn’t find a way to understand them, maybe I didn’t really want to make the effort to understand. Or more, I was afraid of falling from that level where I was. High.
Some days ago I started going back to awareness training. Breathing exercises, moving exercises, Feldenkrais and own inventions. Maybe this is how it started.
There is something about all the things I am receiving these days, weeks, months; inspiration, connections, information, ideas, that makes me feel obliged to do something. “I have to start”.
Now I am here in my room, smoking my arguila, drinking coffee. I watched videos of a german cabaret artist, Hagen Rether, earlier today. He’s talking about all the weird things we do in our society.
At a certain point I lost all interest. What’s the point? I started reading news paper articles. But what’s the point?
I noticed, I’m going down. I have these periods where suddenly after a “high”, I go very much down in the roller coaster. And even though I know that this is only natural, after a high comes a low, I’m always afraid. I try to save myself, go running, go partying, watch a movie to keep myself from going down.
This is not one of these downs. It’s an arriving, landing. I feel like suddenly the crazy roller coaster ride is stopping, slowing down. And I stepped out.
So here I am, stepped out from it. Watching the things I kept myself busy with the past weeks and listening to myself asking “what’s the point?”. Then I suddenly notice, there is a point to this. And to that.
There is a point to beauty, to sleeping, to learning… there is a point to some things and I don’t know if they have anything in common.
I was going to write a friend about where I am right now. Then I noticed, I can impossibly explain it properly and also, what would be the point of it?
There is no point in complaining, of course. There is a certain point in sharing, but not sure why. There definitely is a point in connecting on a deep level, but to who? And how can I explain myself in a way that I can be understood?
There is a point in Solving the Conflict, my/our new facebook project about positive approaches to the Middle East conflict. There surely is a point to many of the ideas I am “brewing” the past weeks.
Suddenly something changed in my perception of my own life, in my viewpoint. Maybe like waking up from a dream or recovering from a fever. I see so many things that I have been doing all the time and see myself asking why I would do this? Why would I sleep in a hammock if I don’t feel like it? Not that I don’t like it, but just not right now. So why wouldn’t I sleep on the ground, if it feels way more comfortable.
Why spend time with people only because you feel obliged to do so. Is there some unwritten rule that it is better to spend time with people than without?
It’s funny how suddenly this can become so very clear. I do not have a clue why this happened, but here I go. I just arrived at where I am, in the present, in the now, in myself and it seems I will just go on doing things that make sense.
Let’s give this a try.